I admit.  Before saying “I do”, I had a naive and idealistic idea of what prayer in marriage looked like.  I thought we exchanged rings, then all at once we lived beautifully unified in the Spirit.  I assumed it happened effortlessly, as if we were two happy lovers, running through a field of fragrant wildflowers, boldly forging ahead with the warm sunshine at our backs.  Right…?

Soon after we returned from our honeymoon, and settled down into the grind of real life, my vision of perfected effortless prayer and seamless spiritual unity was revealed for what it is: imaginary.

With the backdrop of real life, we were literally ships passing in the night.  He was working nights.  I was a student in the day.  When it came to prayer, we were in different camps.  He prayed best when he paced back and forth along the straight wooden floorboards of our kitchen.  I prayed best as I sat still and quietly at my desk.  He prayed with a fierce warrior-like heart.  I prayed like a daughter sitting in her Daddy’s lap.

In the first few months of being married, we would try to pray and all I could think about was how distracted and dizzied I felt by his pacing, and intensity.  He probably felt alone in prayer, hoping I would find more energy and bigger faith to join with his.

These days brought frustration boiling to the surface of my heart at the way we were operating like two planets spinning in different orbits.  This wasn’t how it was supposed to be.

It was as if we were pulling heaven in two different directions with our differing personalities and approaches to prayer.  I was tempted to give up on the whole idea of praying together and settle for life in our own spiritual orbits. 

But something deep in my soul believed that unity is not only something we work for, but something we were created to enjoy in marriage.

We held to the belief that God designed us as a married couple to experience and thrive with spiritual oneness.  So, we pressed on and prayed forward, even when it was hard.

Over time, we’ve both softened and have come to see our differences as valuable assets for each of our spiritual growth.  Iron sharpening differences.

Our differences challenge each other, pull out the best in each other, and keep things interesting.  I now adore, crave and ask for his bold prayers of faith.  And He cherishes and honors the way I connect with God in a place of stillness.

We’ve realized that in fact, our gifts and differences are here to bless, strengthen and develop the other.  Our differences become our collective strength as we press forward in prayer.

As we pursue deeper spiritual connection through prayer, we firmly rely on God to invade our imperfect marriage with His unmatched grace.  He’s so faithful.

Is it wild-flowers and warm sunshine every time?  No.  It’s better than that.

It’s authentic communion.

   It’s real life lived before God’s throne.  

       It’s a connection that is likened to a chord of three strands, not easily broken.

Has prayer been a natural thing for you in marriage?  If so, what does that look like?  If not, what is a small step you can take to begin enjoying more of a spiritual connection?  (one idea…if praying outloud is a stretch for your marriage, consider writing a prayer on an index card for each other, or sending texts that offer encouragement and prayer.)

The post (Marriage Monday) Hope- When Prayer Doesn’t Come Easily in Marriage appeared first on Francie Winslow.

You reap what you sow.  This is true in most areas of life.

How we invest in our health shows in our energy level.  What we invest in our education (formal or non) shows in our ability to influence, understand and lead.  What we invest in our hobbies is evident in our ability to enjoy them.

Sex is no different.  

If you treat sex as a chore that must be done in marriage, and never invest in making it awesome, it will feel like a dreaded chore.  If, on the other hand, you invest in sex like you invest in your health, your education, or your hobbies, you will see that it grows, develops and becomes a place of out-of-this-world joy, connection and pleasure.

Buying books and reading them together is one great way to invest in your sex life.

We need a RE-WIRING on the whole sex conversation in our culture.  Because sex is not only about sex.

Sex is about oneness, connection and calling.

It’s about the connection in marriage that leads to unity and the ability to thrive in our life-purpose as a couple. 

Great connection through sex doesn’t happen on accident.  We have to intentionally invest time and energy into learning to love one another well in the privacy of our marriage.

Here are 3 sex books I recommend.

Sheet Music by Kevin Leman

Intended for Pleasure by Ed and Gaye Wheat

Intimacy Ignited: Conversations Couple to Couple (Fire Up Your Sex Life with The Song of Solomon) By Linda Dillow and Lorraine Pintus

The post Hot Tip: INVEST in Sex, and 3 Books to Help (Marriage Monday) appeared first on Francie Winslow.

I am finding that my thoughts about sex determine my experience of sex.

If I’m honest, all to often thoughts that go through my mind about sex sound like this:

– I’m not in the mood.

– I feel unattractive and unsexy.

– I’m too tired.

– I don’t compare to the covers of magazines. 

– He might not be satisfied with me.

– I’m not good at this, I feel awkward.

But this month, since I am aiming to take my wife game to the next level, I am intentionally choosing to dwell on higher thoughts.

I believe renewing my mind with thoughts like these will re-orient my expectation and experience of intimacy with my husband:

– Sex is a blessing from God, and he designed it to be amazing.

– Pleasure is his idea and it is a gift.

– The effort it takes to be available will always be worth the reward of intimacy with my husband.

– My body is a gift that is holy, pure and beautiful.

– I will be a generous wife with my body.

– I will take every opportunity to build emotional and physical closeness whenever I have the chance.

For me, this month having the mind of Christ will mean having great sex on the brain.

The post Sex on the Brain ~ Having the Mind of Christ (Day 2: Valentine’s Month) appeared first on Francie Winslow.

When the days are packed and everyone is exhausted, it is way too easy for me to let sex take a back seat.

But when sex takes a back seat on a regular basis, so does our level of connection and intimacy.

Instead of letting the chaos of the week drive our sex life, I’m choosing another way.  I’m deciding to let my actions of love lead to feelings of love.  Even in the face of exhaustion.

Michelle Duggar said some of the best wedding advice she got was this: ‘In your marriage there will be times you’re going to be very exhausted . . Anyone can fix him lunch, but only one person can meet that physical need of love that he has.”   (read her more of her tips for marriage here).  In response, her husband exclaimed, “we’re like newlyweds everyday!”

That is what I want in my marriage too.

If I wait to initiate sex only for when the mood is right or when I’m super energized, we could seriously wait forever!  And in the meantime, I would risk my marriage becoming dry as a bone.

I’m not willing to risk that.

So, today’s challenge is to err on the side of love, even if I’m tired.  I have a feeling, I won’t regret it.

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(In case you’re just joining me, I’ve decided to find out how to “wow” my man everyday, not just on Valentine’s Day.  I’m discovering the best secrets, tips, and ways that women win the hearts of their long-term loves and posting them here for you to read with me each day this month.  So far, I started with a “sex-reset”, then dove into the “sexiest” Bible verse, how I’m getting my mind in the game, how to I pray for our sex life, 7 anti-aphrodisiacs, and remembering how to flirt like old times.  Check them out and be inspired with me!  So glad you’re here!)

The post Choosing Sex, Even When You’re Tired ~ How To Live Like Newlyweds Everyday (Day 7: Valentine’s Month) appeared first on Francie Winslow.

I’ve recently come across the research of Dr. Sue Johnson, an author, clinical psychologist, professor at University of Ottawa, poplar presenter and one of the leading innovators in the field of couple therapy.

The more I read her research, the more I’m intrigued I become.  I am especially encouraged by how her scientific findings from brain research highlight the reality that we were designed for a deep emotional connection with another person, based on trust and long-term committed love.

In this short video, she points out that often our culture and media most highly esteem performance and sensation in the bedroom.  

But in reality, sex focused primarily on performance is one-dimensional…and not that great.  

Scientific research shows that sex is a powerful bonding behavior that draws a couple into deeper intimacy.  And that the BEST SEX is centered not on “performance” but emotional presence and trust.

Dr. Johnson remarked that “emotional presence and practice make for great sex…but sex without any emotional connection is like dancing without music.”

(My interpretation: if your sex life is suffering, don’t focus on the latest trend from Cosmo, but rather re-evaluate your level of emotional connection and focus on building trust inside and outside of the bedroom.)

Dr. Johnson’s research also flies in the face of the current social trend that says monogamy isn’t natural.  In fact, the research shows people who have the BEST, most THRILLING SEX are people in long-term loving relationships, debunking the nonsense that fidelity and monogamy are impossible.

If you watch much TV or have read some of the latest best-sellers, you’ll notice our culture is full of talk about the boredom of making love with the same person.  Our culture paints a clear picture of the assumed agony of monogamy and the boundlessly erotic adventures of promiscuity.  But this science (and other brain research that she’s done) is proving them to be all wrong, and frankly ridiculous.  One-night stands and extra-marital affairs may be the popular norm in culture, but they just can’t hold a candle to long-term, emotionally connected, monogamous relationships.

Dr. Johnson’s findings boldly overturn our cultural misunderstandings and scientifically prove the power of emotional connection, trust and physical intimacy in marriage to be advantageous in every area of life including our mental and physical health, longevity and the ability to overcome hardships.  I think this is great news worth sharing.  To read more on her research, here’s her page.

What are your thoughts?

The post Who Has The Best Sex and Why? Where Our Culture Gets it Totally Wrong (Marriage Monday) appeared first on Francie Winslow.

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Ever notice the connection between your husband’s ability to be fully engaged in friendly conversation with you, and the length of time it’s been since you were last intimate?

It’s wild, isn’t it?  I don’t know what took me so long to figure this out…but the connection is clearly there.

Our sexual intimacy and our emotional intimacy are inexplicably connected.

Most men have an overwhelming physical need for sex, we all know this fact well.  But did you know that a man’s sex drive is intricately connected to his ability to feel like a ‘real’ man?

Surprisingly enough, men also have an overwhelming emotional need for sex.

While they may not express it the way we often wish they would – that level of heart-naked communication does not always come naturally to men – our hubbies struggle with deep feelings of inadequacy and insecurity. Making love makes them feel desired, it raises their confidence and self-esteem, and it boosts their overall well-being and performance in almost every area.

Do we fully grasp, as wives, that when we said ‘I do’, we were committing to be our husband’s sole source of sexual satisfaction for the extent of our lives together? 

Sure, other unhealthy counterfeits threaten to creep in from time to time, but the responsibility lies fully in our capable hands.   Because sex has the power to unlock our man’s emotions, and because we hold the key, it’s inconsiderate – and frankly unChristlike – to withhold sex from them.

Strong words, I know.  But if we refuse to do our part, there will always be another eager to fill our shoes.

Our men no longer need to go looking for opportunities to sin sexually – it literally knocks at their door several times a day.  We have the incredible ability to help guard their hearts and minds in the fight.

What a tremendous responsibility this is, sweet friends, but when we look at the heart of this gift…what an honor.  It’s a challenge we were created to conquer, if only we’re willing to enter into it with the right heart and perspective.

We need to fight for our husbands!

I chuckle when I think back to how I thought I was ‘all that and a bar of soap’ as a wife when we first got married.  I had made a commitment to not turn my husband down sexually, and I can count on 1 hand the times I have in almost 11 years.  Now before you raise an eye-brow, utter hateful murmurings and blow me off, you need to know the rest of the story.  It’s not as glamorous as it sounds.

Turns out this wasn’t really enough.

Limp noodle just wasn’t the most appetizing thing on the menu.  Go figure.  After a heart-wrenching conversation, I finally got it.  He didn’t just want a willing and compliant body…he longed for an involved, engaged partner in passion.

A survey done for ‘For Women Only’, a fabulous book by Shaunti Feldhahn (which inspired one of the chapters in my book) revealed that even if men were getting all the sex they wanted, three out of four men would still feel empty if their wife wasn’t both engaged and satisfied.

This blew me away.  Her discovery was both encouraging and convicting.  Sweet friend, there is so much more to this intimacy thing than we tend to realize…after all, it’s designed by our exquisitely complex and mysterious Creator.

Our husbands don’t just want to be satisfied sexually…they need to feel desired, needed and wanted.

So as we push in and press on, we need to understand that creating a vibrant sexual connection in our marriages requires not only willingness and selflessness, but intentionality and creativity on our part.

I am still working on initiating intimacy more and tangibly expressing my love for him in a language he is ridiculously fluent in.  And what an incredible change I see in our friendship when I’m making strides in this area!

So, step away from the computer for a moment {or twenty} and go jump your husband.   You’ll both be glad you did.

*cue Barry White*

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GIVEAWAY!

***The WINNER is Michelle!!  Thank you all for sharing!!***

To be entered in the giveaway, please share this post on Facebook, then tell me that you did in the comments section below!

Not required for the giveaway, but I’d REALLY LOVE to hear your thoughts on what you found to be interesting or thought-provoking from this great post.  Can’t wait to send a copy to one of you!!  You’re SUCH blessings to me- can’t wait to bless you!

Visit Joy’s site, Simply Bloom, where you can find free printables, invite her to speak to your group, find insightful blog posts or even browse her graphic design business!

The post Why “Dropping the No” Is Not Enough (Marriage Monday and Book Giveaway) appeared first on Francie Winslow.

I’ve realized something lately.

In my desire to proclaim hope in the context of marriage (casting vision for a “honeymoon marriage” that gets better with time instead of falling for the lie that after the honeymoon things will get worse) I may have come off like I was trying to be an “expert”.

And I’m totally not.

I am not a relationship counselor or a sex therapist or a professional marriage anything.  I’m just a 29-year-old mom of 4 who has been married 9 years…who messes up and gets selfish and fumbles the ball, but also who seeks God for wisdom and is inviting Him to be King and Lord in it all.

Friends, I still have lots to learn.  Lots.  No problem admitting that.

But I do know one thing.

With a limitless God, there is always more to be had in our marriages.

More wholeness, more blessing, more peace, more unity, more connection, more intimacy, more fun, more laughter, more wisdom, more LIFE in Him.

And that’s what I want.  His “more” in my life and in my marriage.

I’m just a young wife who, in the midst of a culture that doesn’t give marriage much hope, believes that there is hope for a “honeymoon marriage” for all of us.

I can have this honeymoon hope because I have Jesus hope – the belief that Jesus heals, grows and matures us as we give Him the space to love and lead us through life.

I also happen to believe that nothing impossible for God.

Recognizing that I don’t know what it’s like to walk in your shoes as a wife, with your hurts, your background, your personality, your current situation…I simply want to to be a friend.  I want to extend my hand and right here, right now in this space on Mondays, walk together WITH you into the “more” He has for us, and into “honeymoon hope”.

I want to walk with you, not dictate to you.  

I want to dream with you about what might happen if we pursued this “more” together.  

What if?

So instead of marriage “tips” that may communicate I’m some sort of expert, I’m going to start writing marriage “what-ifs”.

Marriage Monday “what ifs” will be simple ideas that may help us, may inspire us, may equip us to be fully alive as wives and doing our part in loving our guys well while building a honeymoon marriage.

No pretense.  No pressure.

No guarantees.  No expertise.

Just “what ifs” that I pray will inspire you, support you, and encourage you as you go for the “more” God has for you as a wife in your particular season of marriage.

Are you up for that?

In the future look for marriage “what-ifs” that will inspire and equip us to dream a little bigger for the future of our marriages, and to start with small steps now.

Until next week- and with much love and prayers for you and your marriage,

Francie

*I invite you to subscribe to get these “what if” posts right in your inbox every Monday, and to share them on Facebook, so that hope for honeymoon marriages might just spread far and wide!*  

The post A Different Approach To Marriage Monday – Going for More appeared first on Francie Winslow.

The experts say that moving is one of life’s top stressors.  And they’re right.  We had incredible help from family, but still, our marriage felt the impact of our move.  As we transitioned into a new space with new dynamics for our whole family, we tried hard to re-establish a sense of connection and normalcy for our marriage.

But it was just that.  Hard.

So instead of letting an intense season of life get more intense with time and pressure, we snagged an hour of a babysitter’s time and went out to play.

Sometimes our marriage reaching its full potential in the midst of life’s stressors doesn’t mean trying harder or working longer.  It means having more fun.  It means taking off our serious task hats, and putting on our playmate hats.  It means enjoying each other.  Simply because we were designed to walk together through life with abundant joy.  And such joy is usually found in delighting in the simple things of life.

Here’s my hubby and I with an impromptu chat about our latest “fun” date.

The post Having Fun With Your Marriage: A Video Chat With Wyatt and Francie appeared first on Francie Winslow.

I wanted to share a part of my heart with you today  – a very big part of my heart.  A part that forms me and motivates me in the deepest places for my daily life as a wife.

Here we go.

In the beginning, God created male and female. (Genesis 1:26-27)  And He placed His image on us (don’t be calloused by the overly familiar words -the implications for HIS IMAGE IMPRINTED ON OUR BODIES IS HUGE).  When we look at the Theology of the Body, we see that the Creator of the Universe marked us – on our very bodies – with a message about His very nature.

He did this on purpose.

Because He wanted to communicate His invisible love to us in a way that is plainly visible.  He wanted to put on display His invitation for us know His eternal love, and He did it through the picture of marriage.  (Genesis 2:24-25; Ephesians 5:22-33)  Through the physical and spiritual joining of a man and a woman to become one in the context of a spousal covenant love.  Through a man and a woman coming together in sacrificial love and intimacy, He made visible the invisible – the foreshadowing of an even greater love- an eternal covenant love with God Himself.

Simply put, on our bodies and in the picture of marriage, we SEE the heavenly invitation to become one with God FOREVER. 

Could anything be more holy?  More thrilling?  More amazing than a God who wants to reveal His love to us, and do it through the gift of marriage?

This idea of God revealing Himself through marriage is massive.  And explains why marriage is so holy, so valuable.  Such a battlefield.  It inspires me to invest all the more in making my marriage one where God is invited to continually grow us, heal us, and mold us into His good likeness (Romans 8:29; 2 Corinthians 3:18).  Not just for our good, but for the good of the world around us.

Watch this video for a glimpse into what stirs me and brings the greatest motivation for marriage…to consider why it matters that we grow together in love…and for a fresh perspective that I pray multiplies grace and peace in your lives, as you pursue the fullness that God intends for you to experience in your marriage and life.

(And please excuse the chorus of 8 children playing in the background- precious friends from Florida were stranded at our house as we rode out the Snowzilla of 2016 together.)

The post What Motivates Me in My Marriage: A Bigger Picture to Draw Us Into the Fullness of God appeared first on Francie Winslow.

When we brought home our second baby, our firstborn was only 16 months old. That meant that our lives had been officially turned upside down. If one baby doesn’t do it, two babies in less than two years most certainly will.

With a tiny baby girl in our arms, and dark circles under our eyes, we sat on the back porch of our little house and had a conversation that changed everything. We acknowledged to each other that we had to fight for our connection, or it would be forfeited. Emotional, physical, and spiritual intimacy, trust, connection, mutual enjoyment, healthy communication – none of that just happens on its own.

The only way we knew to do this was to prioritize time together.  So that night, we decided that every night from 8 to 9pm we would “date” each other.

Enter: “Date-night, Every-night”

Nothing formal and nothing that would require planning or a sitter or money.  We would simply put our phones away, put laundry, chores or work away, and just BE TOGETHER; on purpose. To enjoy each other. To be present to each other.  To talk, to laugh, to rest, to watch a movie, to read books, to sit on the porch, to enjoy a glass of wine, to listen to a sermon, to take an online class, to play a game. It didn’t matter what we did. We just needed to do it together. (Here are 10 simple ways to enjoy quality time in your marriage)

~

Questions for you:

The post A Wife’s Secret to Happiness (book club) – Creating a Safe Haven in Your Marriage appeared first on Francie Winslow.